Cycle 2

Saw the doc on Tuesday.  Of the follicles that never matured on our first cycle, looks like one has decided to hang around.  She said it looks like it's causing some chemical activity that is triggering my endometrial lining to stay thick and prepared for implantation.  Since clearly that's not going to happen, I'm now on Provera to help induce a period.

I never imagined that I would be praying for a period while trying to get pregnant, but that's all I'm hoping for right now.  If all goes well, I'll start Bravelle injections again in a few weeks and hope and pray and beg and plead that we get more than one mature follicle this time.  And then I'll hope and pray and beg and plead that at least one sticks and wants to hang around for a while.  Ya know, maybe nine months or so.  :-)

Stay tuned for the continuation of today's episode of "Hurry Up and Wait"!

"Attention all passengers, your flight has been delayed..."

I turned 35 this week.  I'm officially high risk...you know, in case things weren't hard enough already.

Wonderful.

Sometimes it feels like the days are dragging.  Before our last IUI, we decided if we weren't successful, we would take some time off before trying again.  It's now been a month and I am ready to get this show on the road.  Unfortunately, it appears as though Aunt Flo has been stuck at the airport with no arrival time in sight.

Impatience got the best of me yesterday -- or maybe it was just reality -- and I called up the doc to let her know it's been 33 days with no period and my temperature readings show no sign of ovulation this month.  It's disconcerting to think that my body isn't able to regulate itself and makes me wonder if I hadn't been on the pill for 14 years and had figured this out sooner, if maybe something could have been done.  Of course, none of that really matters.

They've got me taking Metformin, which supposedly will assist with my PCOS and help regulate me.  I've only been on it two and a half weeks, but it clearly isn't working (yet), and I've been feeling nauseated for the last few days.  (I know what you're thinking...already took a test...negative)

So I'll go in on Tuesday for my ultrasound and blood tests and likely end up on another medication, which will get that plane flying again.  You know what they say..."Better late than pregnant."  Wait a minute...

Strange

Strange to think that today would have potentially been the due date for Baby L #1.  Strange to think what the last nine months of my life would have looked like if things had gone differently.  Strange to look back over this year and see where a road that started out with pure joy and excitement has led us.

It has been a challenging year, to say the least.  I can only hope that the three and a half months remaining will prove that 2012 will be one that ends with that same joy and excitement it started with and this time next year I'll be snuggling our little one in my arms.

Onward and upward

Met with the doc today to discuss our next plan of action.  Looks like we'll be moving forward with our second cycle as soon as Aunt Flo decides to come and visit again.  We're hopeful she arrives on her own and we don't need to take any medicinal action.  Then we're off to Hormone City again. 

I was thinking I would feel less overwhelmed this time around, knowing what lies before us, and I do.  But walking out of the office, I couldn't help but feel a little bit of nervousness, anxiousness, and stop to take a deep breath to soak it in all over again.

Asking for prayers and baby dust!

Bittersweet

I got my "period" yesterday, just as the doc predicted.  I'm grateful that it came quickly and naturally, which means I won't have to consider the idea of surgery.  But now begins a new wave of emotions.  This same thing happened the first time around.  One day I'm skipping around happy as can be; the next, I can't help but cry and feel sad. 

Mostly I'm sad because I have no idea what the future holds.  I don't know if the next one will carry through to the end, or if there will be a next one at all.  I don't know how long it will take, if we should try again naturally, or if we should go straight for IUI #2.  I don't know if we are passing along something genetic that is causing the pregnancies to fail.  I could go on and on...

My blood results from yesterday showed that my hCGs are dropping, as they should be.  I'll have to have weekly tests until they finally reach 0. 

I thought it might be easier the second time around...guess I was wrong.

Wah-wah (insert sad trombone here)

During my two-week wait between our IUI and the pregnancy test, I kept saying, "I know I'm pregnant.  I just KNOW it!"  Even though I had no symptoms or any indication that it was true, I could just feel it in my bones.

Kinda like the last week waiting for today's ultrasound, only this time around I just knew I wasN'T.

My ultrasound didn't change much from last week.  The gestational sac grew a little bit, but still no yolk sac or heartbeat.  The doctor said we had a 50/50 chance that it could still be viable.  We scheduled another ultrasound for next Tuesday.

About an hour ago, the doctor called with my blood test results.  Not only had my hCGs not doubled, but they had dropped; a definitive diagnosis of miscarriage.  What started out as a beautifully implanted fertilized egg-against-all-odds turned out to be a blighted ovum.  There will be no Baby L once again.

We're gonna take a little breather -- maybe a month or so -- to regroup.  Plus we have a super fun trip planned for our birthdays and I don't want to miss the fun on account of stress and rampant emotions.  We'll jump back on this train when we feel ready.  Until then...

Waiting, waiting, waiting

The two-week wait before my pregnancy test was hard.  Fortunately, the First Responses and Clearblues made it a little more bearable because I didn't actually have to wait two weeks for the result.

Now, this one-week wait for my next ultrasound, well, it's been torture.  I don't have a home ultrasound machine, nor do I have the ability to test my hCG levels.  I have been going crazy.  I've somehow made it through 6 days, but it's been manic.  I've resorted back to Googling everything and I am not encouraged.  There are stories out there that turn into miracles, but those just aren't the kind of things that happen to me.  I keep thinking and hoping and praying they will, but a history of disappointment is all I have to go by.

I contemplated calling the doctor with some fake ailment -- cramping, bleeding, etc. -- just to see if I could get in sooner.  But I figured that might cause even more worry if I didn't see what I wanted and would once again have to wait.  (I know you think I'm crazy too at this point.  I probably am.  But then so is every other woman out there who doesn't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on with her pregnancy.  Google it). 

So in less than 24 hours, I will HOPEFULLY have my answer.  I think I already know, but if there are miracles out there, I pray one finds me tomorrow!