Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bittersweet

I got my "period" yesterday, just as the doc predicted.  I'm grateful that it came quickly and naturally, which means I won't have to consider the idea of surgery.  But now begins a new wave of emotions.  This same thing happened the first time around.  One day I'm skipping around happy as can be; the next, I can't help but cry and feel sad. 

Mostly I'm sad because I have no idea what the future holds.  I don't know if the next one will carry through to the end, or if there will be a next one at all.  I don't know how long it will take, if we should try again naturally, or if we should go straight for IUI #2.  I don't know if we are passing along something genetic that is causing the pregnancies to fail.  I could go on and on...

My blood results from yesterday showed that my hCGs are dropping, as they should be.  I'll have to have weekly tests until they finally reach 0. 

I thought it might be easier the second time around...guess I was wrong.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wah-wah (insert sad trombone here)

During my two-week wait between our IUI and the pregnancy test, I kept saying, "I know I'm pregnant.  I just KNOW it!"  Even though I had no symptoms or any indication that it was true, I could just feel it in my bones.

Kinda like the last week waiting for today's ultrasound, only this time around I just knew I wasN'T.

My ultrasound didn't change much from last week.  The gestational sac grew a little bit, but still no yolk sac or heartbeat.  The doctor said we had a 50/50 chance that it could still be viable.  We scheduled another ultrasound for next Tuesday.

About an hour ago, the doctor called with my blood test results.  Not only had my hCGs not doubled, but they had dropped; a definitive diagnosis of miscarriage.  What started out as a beautifully implanted fertilized egg-against-all-odds turned out to be a blighted ovum.  There will be no Baby L once again.

We're gonna take a little breather -- maybe a month or so -- to regroup.  Plus we have a super fun trip planned for our birthdays and I don't want to miss the fun on account of stress and rampant emotions.  We'll jump back on this train when we feel ready.  Until then...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Waiting, waiting, waiting

The two-week wait before my pregnancy test was hard.  Fortunately, the First Responses and Clearblues made it a little more bearable because I didn't actually have to wait two weeks for the result.

Now, this one-week wait for my next ultrasound, well, it's been torture.  I don't have a home ultrasound machine, nor do I have the ability to test my hCG levels.  I have been going crazy.  I've somehow made it through 6 days, but it's been manic.  I've resorted back to Googling everything and I am not encouraged.  There are stories out there that turn into miracles, but those just aren't the kind of things that happen to me.  I keep thinking and hoping and praying they will, but a history of disappointment is all I have to go by.

I contemplated calling the doctor with some fake ailment -- cramping, bleeding, etc. -- just to see if I could get in sooner.  But I figured that might cause even more worry if I didn't see what I wanted and would once again have to wait.  (I know you think I'm crazy too at this point.  I probably am.  But then so is every other woman out there who doesn't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on with her pregnancy.  Google it). 

So in less than 24 hours, I will HOPEFULLY have my answer.  I think I already know, but if there are miracles out there, I pray one finds me tomorrow!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

And the verdict is...

Got the call from the nurse this evening.  She says my labs are "normal" (whatever that means).  I asked for my hCG numbers.  Based on the doubling-every-48-hours theory, I figured I should be somewhere around 6400.  Mine came in at a whopping 810. 

I'm feeling pretty disappointed and frustrated.  I'm not really sure what to think.  I am still within the "normal" range, but am now anxiously awaiting next week's results!

Dear Time, please go faster!  Sincerely, The Management

Patience and optimism

Just got back from the fertility doc's office for my first ultrasound.  I'd been feeling a little nervous and anxious, especially sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes.  According to my calculations, I should be somewhere around 5 weeks, 6 days.

The ultrasound showed a gestational sac and where the implantation is taking place.  I was REALLY hoping for a heartbeat just to ease my mind a little bit, but, alas, there was no little blinker to be found.  Doc thinks I'm closer to about 5 weeks and it still may be too early for a heartbeat.  Will get a call this evening with my blood results (hopefully good ones!) and have another appointment scheduled for next week.

Fingers crossed that all is well!  In any case, here is a picture of our "baby."


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Your discretion, please!

For those of you who are aware this blog exists, and may be checking in "just in case," I ask that you please use your discretion in sharing between now and October.  You see, we made the decision that this time around we would absolutely wait until the end of the first trimester to share our exciting news. 

Keeping this "journal" has provided therapeutic relief and thinking that someone out there may be reading it brings a sense of support and comfort. 

I'm happy that you're joining me on this journey and hope you'll help me keep my little secret safe for the next 8 weeks and 3 days (no that anyone's counting...)!

Sudden nerves

Aside from feeling like I can't get enough sleep and lack of desire for my normal food habits (fruit = zero appeal, but ice cream and brownies = can't get enough!), I've been feeling pretty normal.  Emotionally optimistic and not too concerned about the current absence of obvious pregnancy symptoms.  Occasionally I think I might feel nauseated for about a second, but nothing ever materializes.

Then this morning I got an email from my nurse that my first ultrasound will be in 2 days.  Suddenly, I feel nervous and unsure.  I know everything will be fine, and there is nothing to worry about, but there's always that little shadow of doubt in the back of my head.

I'm looking forward to some reassurance that everything is going well!  Hopes and prayers for rising hCGs and a visible heartbeat!  Keep an eye out for video on Thursday!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Week 5

My doctor has been out of town for the last week or so.  I am expecting a call from the nurse tomorrow to schedule our first ultrasound.  It might be too early to see a heartbeat, but hoping to get a good report on the gestational sac and confirmation that things are progressing well. 

I'm anxiously awaiting an onrush of pregnancy symptoms.  Last time around, I felt very "unpregnant."  No nausea, no fatigue.  I just really want to feel it this time!  I have been napping daily, which is very much out of character.  Also felt slight nausea after going to bed last night, but I'm chalking it up to a day full of junk food.  :-)

Time sure is crawling...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Little sacrifices

Tomorrow we leave for a weekend trip to the river with Brandon, Lindy, and their new boat. FUN, right?

WRONG! Call from the nurse today says no boating fun for me. Until week 10 (at least) no activities that may put pressure on my abdomen. The bouncing of the boat while speeding along is no bueno for my little embryo.

BUT...I will still be on vacation and intend to enjoy it fully in the comfort of our rental or out by the pool. Sad that I will likely be alone most of the time, but glad Nate will be able to get away and enjoy himself for a few days!

Thinking I might pick up that needlepoint I started in Africa 3 years ago. That will definitely provide hours of frustration...er, entertainment. :-D
 

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