1 week, 6 days

Well, the two week wait will be over tomorrow.  Although, to be honest, the "wait" part really ended a day or two ago.  For anyone who's been through the dreaded 2WW, you know that there's no way to get through 14 days without an arsenal of at-home pee-on-a-sticks.  So, of course, I started testing on Monday.

I had a feeling in my gut.  I already knew the answer.  5 days and 6 big fat negatives later, I think it's safe to say we will not be welcoming a new baby next July.

We had no idea when we made our plan to start a family that God had a totally different idea in mind.  Who knows what it is, but maybe someday we'll be gifted with the blessing of a little one.

Until then, you probably won't hear much (if anything) from me here.  We've decided to enjoy the end-of-the-year holidays sans hormones and doctor appointments.

If, by some miracle, tomorrow's blood test proves otherwise, you'll be the first to know. 

-- Until next time

And the Two Week Wait begins

**Hint Hint**

If you don't have any plans tomorrow at 9:20am and Friday at 9:00am, maybe you can send out a little prayer and lots of baby dust! ;-)

God is good!

We're not quite there yet, but we had some major growth in the last few days!  We had a 14, 15, and two 16's!!  More tears were shed, but finally for joy!  Will wait for lab results this afternoon and hopefully get a date on the calendar before the weekend.

GOD IS GOOD!

Praying for a miracle

Yesterday we attended our church to be prayed for and anointed with oil, according to the Bible.

James 5:14-16

¹⁴ Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.

¹⁶ Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

My visit with the doc today provided a little bit of optimism.  We still don't have any follicles that are ready to go, but there was some improvement.  One follicle was about 14mm.  What I'm hoping for next visit is that one or two will join in and grow between now and then.  Last cycle we only had one follicle and we learned that one is all it takes.  Unfortunately, it didn't hang on.  If we can get two or three in there, one of them may just stick around for a while.

My estrogen level jumped from 36 to 115, which is a great improvement over last week's 27 to 36.  Endometrium looks ready to go.  Two days till my next U/S. 

Please join us in praying for a miracle!

One little, two little, three little follicles

Went back for my ultrasound today hoping that my follicles had grown the expected 1-2mm per day since the last one.  I'll give you one guess...

So now there appear to be 5 potentially viable follicles in my right ovary and 2 in my left.  Not to say they are mature or the size we're hoping for.  They range from 8-11mm and we're shooting for 16mm+.  The nurse says not to worry, it's taking longer than normal, just like Cycle 1 did.  So I guess this is "normal" for me.

The potential risk is that the drugs will continue producing more follicles rather than, or in addition to, maturing the ones that are there.  While 3 or 4 follicles are okay, more than that creates a great risk for multiples.  While we would love to have two identicals running around, I'm not really prepared to be Quatromom (and Octomom is already taken).  ;-)  In that case, we may have to abort this cycle altogether and start again next month.

My estrogen level went from 27 to 36 since my last visit.  Still low, but good that it's rising.  Continuing injections through the weekend and we'll take another look on Monday.

Follicles

Saw the doc this morning for an ultrasound to check on my little follicle friends and see how they're doing.  I've been back on the Bravelle injections for about a week now.  Looks like we have several follicles in the left ovary, but only two that are growing, each of them not quite 12mm.  The right ovary has several as well, but not growing quite as fast.  The two biggest were a little over 9mm and 7mm.

We're going for 16mm and hoping for multiple mature follicles, or at least one in each ovary.  That way, whichever tube the little swimmers pick, they should at least have a fighting chance.

Continuing injections and back on Friday for a follow-up.  Hopes, prayers, and fingers crossed for some growth!

Cycle 2

Saw the doc on Tuesday.  Of the follicles that never matured on our first cycle, looks like one has decided to hang around.  She said it looks like it's causing some chemical activity that is triggering my endometrial lining to stay thick and prepared for implantation.  Since clearly that's not going to happen, I'm now on Provera to help induce a period.

I never imagined that I would be praying for a period while trying to get pregnant, but that's all I'm hoping for right now.  If all goes well, I'll start Bravelle injections again in a few weeks and hope and pray and beg and plead that we get more than one mature follicle this time.  And then I'll hope and pray and beg and plead that at least one sticks and wants to hang around for a while.  Ya know, maybe nine months or so.  :-)

Stay tuned for the continuation of today's episode of "Hurry Up and Wait"!

"Attention all passengers, your flight has been delayed..."

I turned 35 this week.  I'm officially high risk...you know, in case things weren't hard enough already.

Wonderful.

Sometimes it feels like the days are dragging.  Before our last IUI, we decided if we weren't successful, we would take some time off before trying again.  It's now been a month and I am ready to get this show on the road.  Unfortunately, it appears as though Aunt Flo has been stuck at the airport with no arrival time in sight.

Impatience got the best of me yesterday -- or maybe it was just reality -- and I called up the doc to let her know it's been 33 days with no period and my temperature readings show no sign of ovulation this month.  It's disconcerting to think that my body isn't able to regulate itself and makes me wonder if I hadn't been on the pill for 14 years and had figured this out sooner, if maybe something could have been done.  Of course, none of that really matters.

They've got me taking Metformin, which supposedly will assist with my PCOS and help regulate me.  I've only been on it two and a half weeks, but it clearly isn't working (yet), and I've been feeling nauseated for the last few days.  (I know what you're thinking...already took a test...negative)

So I'll go in on Tuesday for my ultrasound and blood tests and likely end up on another medication, which will get that plane flying again.  You know what they say..."Better late than pregnant."  Wait a minute...

Strange

Strange to think that today would have potentially been the due date for Baby L #1.  Strange to think what the last nine months of my life would have looked like if things had gone differently.  Strange to look back over this year and see where a road that started out with pure joy and excitement has led us.

It has been a challenging year, to say the least.  I can only hope that the three and a half months remaining will prove that 2012 will be one that ends with that same joy and excitement it started with and this time next year I'll be snuggling our little one in my arms.

Onward and upward

Met with the doc today to discuss our next plan of action.  Looks like we'll be moving forward with our second cycle as soon as Aunt Flo decides to come and visit again.  We're hopeful she arrives on her own and we don't need to take any medicinal action.  Then we're off to Hormone City again. 

I was thinking I would feel less overwhelmed this time around, knowing what lies before us, and I do.  But walking out of the office, I couldn't help but feel a little bit of nervousness, anxiousness, and stop to take a deep breath to soak it in all over again.

Asking for prayers and baby dust!

Bittersweet

I got my "period" yesterday, just as the doc predicted.  I'm grateful that it came quickly and naturally, which means I won't have to consider the idea of surgery.  But now begins a new wave of emotions.  This same thing happened the first time around.  One day I'm skipping around happy as can be; the next, I can't help but cry and feel sad. 

Mostly I'm sad because I have no idea what the future holds.  I don't know if the next one will carry through to the end, or if there will be a next one at all.  I don't know how long it will take, if we should try again naturally, or if we should go straight for IUI #2.  I don't know if we are passing along something genetic that is causing the pregnancies to fail.  I could go on and on...

My blood results from yesterday showed that my hCGs are dropping, as they should be.  I'll have to have weekly tests until they finally reach 0. 

I thought it might be easier the second time around...guess I was wrong.

Wah-wah (insert sad trombone here)

During my two-week wait between our IUI and the pregnancy test, I kept saying, "I know I'm pregnant.  I just KNOW it!"  Even though I had no symptoms or any indication that it was true, I could just feel it in my bones.

Kinda like the last week waiting for today's ultrasound, only this time around I just knew I wasN'T.

My ultrasound didn't change much from last week.  The gestational sac grew a little bit, but still no yolk sac or heartbeat.  The doctor said we had a 50/50 chance that it could still be viable.  We scheduled another ultrasound for next Tuesday.

About an hour ago, the doctor called with my blood test results.  Not only had my hCGs not doubled, but they had dropped; a definitive diagnosis of miscarriage.  What started out as a beautifully implanted fertilized egg-against-all-odds turned out to be a blighted ovum.  There will be no Baby L once again.

We're gonna take a little breather -- maybe a month or so -- to regroup.  Plus we have a super fun trip planned for our birthdays and I don't want to miss the fun on account of stress and rampant emotions.  We'll jump back on this train when we feel ready.  Until then...

Waiting, waiting, waiting

The two-week wait before my pregnancy test was hard.  Fortunately, the First Responses and Clearblues made it a little more bearable because I didn't actually have to wait two weeks for the result.

Now, this one-week wait for my next ultrasound, well, it's been torture.  I don't have a home ultrasound machine, nor do I have the ability to test my hCG levels.  I have been going crazy.  I've somehow made it through 6 days, but it's been manic.  I've resorted back to Googling everything and I am not encouraged.  There are stories out there that turn into miracles, but those just aren't the kind of things that happen to me.  I keep thinking and hoping and praying they will, but a history of disappointment is all I have to go by.

I contemplated calling the doctor with some fake ailment -- cramping, bleeding, etc. -- just to see if I could get in sooner.  But I figured that might cause even more worry if I didn't see what I wanted and would once again have to wait.  (I know you think I'm crazy too at this point.  I probably am.  But then so is every other woman out there who doesn't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on with her pregnancy.  Google it). 

So in less than 24 hours, I will HOPEFULLY have my answer.  I think I already know, but if there are miracles out there, I pray one finds me tomorrow!

And the verdict is...

Got the call from the nurse this evening.  She says my labs are "normal" (whatever that means).  I asked for my hCG numbers.  Based on the doubling-every-48-hours theory, I figured I should be somewhere around 6400.  Mine came in at a whopping 810. 

I'm feeling pretty disappointed and frustrated.  I'm not really sure what to think.  I am still within the "normal" range, but am now anxiously awaiting next week's results!

Dear Time, please go faster!  Sincerely, The Management

Patience and optimism

Just got back from the fertility doc's office for my first ultrasound.  I'd been feeling a little nervous and anxious, especially sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes.  According to my calculations, I should be somewhere around 5 weeks, 6 days.

The ultrasound showed a gestational sac and where the implantation is taking place.  I was REALLY hoping for a heartbeat just to ease my mind a little bit, but, alas, there was no little blinker to be found.  Doc thinks I'm closer to about 5 weeks and it still may be too early for a heartbeat.  Will get a call this evening with my blood results (hopefully good ones!) and have another appointment scheduled for next week.

Fingers crossed that all is well!  In any case, here is a picture of our "baby."

Your discretion, please!

For those of you who are aware this blog exists, and may be checking in "just in case," I ask that you please use your discretion in sharing between now and October.  You see, we made the decision that this time around we would absolutely wait until the end of the first trimester to share our exciting news. 

Keeping this "journal" has provided therapeutic relief and thinking that someone out there may be reading it brings a sense of support and comfort. 

I'm happy that you're joining me on this journey and hope you'll help me keep my little secret safe for the next 8 weeks and 3 days (no that anyone's counting...)!

Sudden nerves

Aside from feeling like I can't get enough sleep and lack of desire for my normal food habits (fruit = zero appeal, but ice cream and brownies = can't get enough!), I've been feeling pretty normal.  Emotionally optimistic and not too concerned about the current absence of obvious pregnancy symptoms.  Occasionally I think I might feel nauseated for about a second, but nothing ever materializes.

Then this morning I got an email from my nurse that my first ultrasound will be in 2 days.  Suddenly, I feel nervous and unsure.  I know everything will be fine, and there is nothing to worry about, but there's always that little shadow of doubt in the back of my head.

I'm looking forward to some reassurance that everything is going well!  Hopes and prayers for rising hCGs and a visible heartbeat!  Keep an eye out for video on Thursday!

Week 5

My doctor has been out of town for the last week or so.  I am expecting a call from the nurse tomorrow to schedule our first ultrasound.  It might be too early to see a heartbeat, but hoping to get a good report on the gestational sac and confirmation that things are progressing well. 

I'm anxiously awaiting an onrush of pregnancy symptoms.  Last time around, I felt very "unpregnant."  No nausea, no fatigue.  I just really want to feel it this time!  I have been napping daily, which is very much out of character.  Also felt slight nausea after going to bed last night, but I'm chalking it up to a day full of junk food.  :-)

Time sure is crawling...

Little sacrifices

Tomorrow we leave for a weekend trip to the river with Brandon, Lindy, and their new boat. FUN, right?

WRONG! Call from the nurse today says no boating fun for me. Until week 10 (at least) no activities that may put pressure on my abdomen. The bouncing of the boat while speeding along is no bueno for my little embryo.

BUT...I will still be on vacation and intend to enjoy it fully in the comfort of our rental or out by the pool. Sad that I will likely be alone most of the time, but glad Nate will be able to get away and enjoy himself for a few days!

Thinking I might pick up that needlepoint I started in Africa 3 years ago. That will definitely provide hours of frustration...er, entertainment. :-D

Moving along...

Good news yesterday!  I had my second hCG test to confirm that the pregnancy is progressing as it should.  As a general rule, hCG numbers should double every 48-72 hours.  From Friday to Monday, my hCG numbers nearly tripled!  We're feeling very happy and relieved and just continuing to pray that things move in the right direction.

Off to the river this weekend for some fun and relaxation!

Miracles do happen!

The last month has been quite a whirlwind.  Since I went on injectables on June 5th, there has been much frustration.  My body still was not responding to the medication and the doctor didn't seem too happy with the results.  I had 4 total follicles, but only one that was growing.  This brought our chances for success down to a measly 7%.  My doctor even suggested that we skip any further IUI treatments and go straight to IVF (about $10,000 a pop with only 65% success rate).  I felt so discouraged that I questioned whether completing this IUI cycle was even worth the effort.

Nate and I discussed our options and decided that we needed a break from the stress and emotions that come along with infertility.  If this cycle doesn't work, we'll go back to trying on our own.

My one follicle eventually reached a viable size, and we induced ovulation on the 11th. 

I started charting my temperatures again in hopes that I would know sooner if implantation did or didn't take place.  Everything was looking good.  I saw the ovulation dip indicating the trigger worked.  We had two back-to-back IUIs on the 12th and 13th.  My temperatures were up and staying high.  Every day that passed increased my hope just a little bit.

I had a blood test scheduled for the 27th.  Two days prior, my temperature dropped more than an full degree.  This could indicate one of two things: an "implantation dip" in which your temp drops for one day, or my period was on its way.  I immediately lost hope and gave in that this wasn't our month.

The next morning, I woke up at 5:45am to take my temperature.  I never expected to see it shoot back up to its pre-dip measurement!  Of course, over the next few hours I took multiple pregnancy tests.  I was getting a very faint positive line, but didn't want to get my hopes up.  On Friday the 27th, I took a digital test and it read "pregnant"!  I still don't think it's sunk in.

My blood test at the doctor's office confirmed and showed hCG levels of 70, which is right in line with where I should be, 4 weeks along.  I'm scheduled for another test on Monday to confirm that the numbers are increasing and the pregnancy is progressing as it should.

I'm still pretty nervous.  We're only halfway to where we were when I had my miscarriage and we are far from out of the woods.  We are hoping and praying that this one "sticks"!  Can't wait till October when we can finally make the announcement to all the ones we love!

My husband, the doctor

Went in for an ultrasound two days ago. 

What I wanted to hear: "Everything looks GREAT!  Come back in two days and we'll get this party started (aka get on with IUI #1)!!"

What I actually heard:  "Your follicles aren't growing.  Come back in two days."

Wah-wah (insert sad trombone here).

Fast-forward to today.

What I wanted to hear:  "Everything looks GREAT!  Come back in two days and we'll get this party started!!"

What I actually heard:  "Your follicles aren't growing.  Here's some syringes and medication.  You'll have to inject yourself at home."

Now, I'm by no means afraid of needles, but injecting myself is not at the top of my bucket list.  Fortunately, I enlisted my husband (who loves me dearly, by the way) and he stuck me like a pro.  Thanks, Babe!

***The above conversations have been summarized for dramatic effect.***

We interrupt the regular scheduled programming...

When I wrote my last post on January 31st, my hope was that the next one would be the happy announcement that we were once again pregnant.  But somewhere around April the Baby Express took an unexpected detour down Fertility Boulevard, encountering crossroads like Emotional Avenue, Injection Highway, and the junction of Hurry-up and Wait!

To sum up the last six months:  We tried; we failed; we called the doc.

So here we are at the beginning of a new chapter in this adventure; one we never thought we would be on.  One with bumpy roads, uncertainty, and no guarantees. 

I'm starting a bit late.  We've been through all the testing and found out I have PCOS (which sounds scary when you first hear you have it, but apparently isn't that big a deal...until you want babies); and, well, basically nothing else is wrong with either of us.  Comforting, right?

So here we are amidst our first IUI cycle.  It's pretty frustrating because things don't seem to be moving along like we'd like them to.  But for now we're just hanging in there hoping, with each appointment, for good news.

A New Beginning

When I first decided to write this post, I thought about naming it "The End" or something else to that effect.  But then the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic popped into my head.  

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Today marks a new beginning for us.  

When we turned in to bed last night around 9:00pm, I was feeling some sharp cramps in my abdomen.  I have been quite paranoid about every little thing throughout the last couple weeks, but rather than worry, I gave Baby L a little pat and said I would go through whatever pain it took to keep him/her safe. 

When I woke in the morning, I still had cramps but got up and ready for my normal routine.  I hit the ladies' room on my way to the shower and found a clear (well, bright red, actually) indication that something was wrong.  I went in the bedroom where Nate was sleeping and said, "Babe, I think I just lost it."

I tried to continue getting ready for the day, but found myself dizzy and nauseous and on the verge of passing out.  I stumbled back to bed and immediately called in sick to work.  I also called the on-call doctor who didn't sound too concerned.  "Stay in bed, elevate your feet, drink lots of water, and get into your doctor's office today for an ultrasound."

Having a couple hours to kill before the doctor's office opened, I googled every possible reason that I would be experiencing these symptoms at 8 weeks.  I found online bulletin boards on miscarriage, common blood clots, subchorionic hemorrhage, some even resulting in perfectly healthy babies.  I decided there was no sense in worrying and hoped for the best.

At 9:00am, Nate met me at the doctor's office where we were taken in for an ultrasound.  The second the picture appeared on the screen, it was clear that Baby L was nowhere to be found.  The ultrasound technician explained that the yolk sac had collapsed and the pregnancy was no longer viable.

It's been a weird day for emotions, varying from heavy tears to indifference and everywhere in between.

Breaking the news to our families was difficult, especially considering they'd only found out about Baby L 24 hours earlier.

While we're very sad to say goodbye to Baby L #1, we are hopeful and optimistic and can't wait to start trying for #2!  We have a few weeks to go before the miscarriage is complete, and a couple months before we can start trying again.  In the meantime, we are leaning on our faith and trust in God that He will bless us with a healthy bundle of joy when the time is right.

I have decided to continue this blog rather than put it to rest and start a new one.  It is called "Adventures in Babyland" after all, and this is just one of the less fun parts of the adventure.  Plus it's been therapeutic for me to be able to share this with the world...even though no one even knows it exists.    :-)

So here's to new beginnings.  I can't wait to share where this adventure takes us next!!  Stay tuned...

A day of reveals

About an hour after we surprised Grandpa P with his birthday card, Nate's phone began ringing.  He pulled it out of his pocket and the word "Bro" flashed across the caller ID.  Maybe it was all the baby talk going around these days; maybe it was a gut feeling; maybe it was intuition, but all we needed was to hear the words to confirm our suspicions...SIL is pregnant!

Wait!  Weren't we supposed to be making this call to them???  Are we really due just weeks (if not days) apart???  Am I seriously going to be an aunt and a mom before I turn 35???  Turns out the answers (in no particular order) are: yes, yes, and yes!

Congratulations, Bro/BIL and SIL!  We can't wait to share this experience with you both!

Of course, our next call was to Grandma and Grandpa L.  After some technical difficulties, we got Skype up and running for the first time ever so we could tell them "in person."  After some chitchat about jobs, puppies, and life in general, Nate asked, "So which one of you is coming to California, and which one of you is going to Florida in September?"  


No need for explanation, hands flew in the air and applause broke out.  


Three years ago, they celebrated the marriages of both of their sons and gained two new "daughters."  And now look forward to becoming first-time grandparents two times over all within the same month.  


Congrats, Grandma and Grandpa L -- times two!

"Oh my @#$&!"

My dad's 75th birthday is in two days, and today our family went to brunch to celebrate.  We aren't quite ready to announce Baby L to the world yet, but we couldn't pass up this opportunity to congratulate Grandpa P on his new title. 

We bought a card that read, "If all the grandpas were just like you, the world would be a better place."  Inside we wrote, "I can't wait to meet you.  Love, Baby Lattimore.  (Scheduled to arrive this September)."

While "Oh my shit" was not exactly the first expression I was expecting out of my dad's mouth when he heard the news, it was certainly a priceless moment!  Happy Birthday, Grandpa Pechan!

First Doctor Visit -- Part II

We have confirmation...and a heartbeat!!!  Baby L just made Mama very, very happy!  

(My apologies for the video narrative...I'm sure no one needed to know they were looking at my bowels.  )

First Doctor Visit -- Part I

My first prenatal visit is in less than two hours.  I am a ball of anxiety and nerves.  Going back to my last post, I am feeling even less pregnant than before.  I've decided I won't feel at ease until I hear confirmation straight from the horse's mouth...but since Baby L has no way of telling me personally, the doctor's word will have to do.

...praying, praying, praying...

One of the Lucky Ones???

According to BabyCenter.com's due date calculator, Baby L will be here around September 5th, which puts me in week number 8.  So far, the only symptoms I have experienced are short nights of sleep, visiting the ladies' room a little more often, and a rare cramp here or there.  To be honest, I'm not even sure if these are symptoms or just side effects of behavioral changes I've made in the last week.

While I'm thrilled that I'm not spending my days heaving over the porcelain god or requesting Nate run to the store at 2:00am for pickles and ice cream, it's a little unsettling.  The researcher in me has been working overtime lately Googling every little question or doubt that arises in my head.  And all I can find on the subject:  If I'm not experiencing any of the typical early-pregnancy symptoms, this is perfectly normal and I should consider myself one of the lucky ones.

So I'll accept that for now, especially knowing that soon enough I'll be dealing with clothes that don't fit and a whole slew of other issues.  But is it weird to think that heaving up just one little meal would help me appreciate this time a little bit more???

It's a...Baby!!

Hi.  I'm Lisa.  I've been married to my husband Nate for about two and a half years.  Last year we decided to embark on a new adventure together, and on May 1, 2011 (as my friend JJ says) we pulled the goalie!  Since then, we've anxiously awaited Aunt Flo's visit each month, and though she was always tardy, she inevitably showed up without fail.  Until now...

Since I've been on birth control for more years than I can remember, I forgot what it was like to not be able to predict exactly when my fun little friend would show up.  So each month brought anxiety and anticipation, 13 total wasted pregnancy tests, and much disappointment.

This month started out no different.  According to MyMonthlyCycle, I would be craving, cramping, and crying on January 4th.  I paid no attention to the date because it has yet to prove true.  However, being the curious/anxious/paranoid person that I am (hence the 13 tests in 6 months), I stopped by Walmart one day and grabbed some deodorant, body wash...where was I going with this?  Oh, yeah...and a box of Clearblue Easy's.

When I got home I went directly to the bathroom so I could ease my mind that my Friday-night-bottle-of-wine ritual would be just as harmless as the countless in the past.  About three minutes later, I looked down and there it was, that 8-letter word I had yet to see without "not" in front of it: PREGNANT!

For a minute, my heart stopped.  I giggled, ran downstairs, talked crazy to the dog for a minute, sat down, caught my breath, checked the test again, and stared at the ceiling in a second of panic.  And then I rejoiced!

I had previously invited my family out for an evening hike hosted by one of the local parks.  Knowing I have the worst poker face ever, I decided to wait until everyone left after the hike to share the news with Nate.  While we were out, as "I know something you don't know" was dancing in my head, he held my hand, and I fell in love all over again.

After we got home and settled into our PJs to watch a movie, I showed Nate the test and a flood of tears and laughter came over me.  It was amazing.  I can't remember ever feeling so giddy.  We sat in silence for a minute letting it sink in.  Nate said, "We did it!"  

And then we started the movie...